Tuesday, February 01, 2005
I’m sorry but today could be one of the few days you’d here me crack. FUCK u all ok. I’m not crazy. I’m not weird. I’m not mad either. Don’t get so fucked up that I know so much about most of you guys. I really do not bother. At least I try to. Why should I care about you guys? Why do I care so much that I could actually put myself before everyone else? I’m not complaining! FUCK U! Yes, you! You could be the reason why I’m feel fucked up ok. Why wouldn’t it be you? For years, I have been listening to people and their fucked up problems even though I have problems of my own. Why do I care so so so much? And the worst thing is, ironically, I give people a listening ear but no one listens to me. No one really knows how much I suffered. Maybe you all know a little. But I’m sick and tired of making so much jokes and trying to act so happy. Just for you idiots who do not appreciate my presence. FUCK IT LAH. Everyone is so fucking self-centred. Oh farhana I have a problem. Farhana, come back to school. Farhana, I cannot live without you. Please lah, stop being so pathetic ok. You all think you suffer? You think your families are the only ones with problems? All of you think I have all the time in the world to actually bother about each and everyone of you and your problems? Excuse me, I also have onli 24 hours and 7 days in a week. But I still care so much and all of you treat me like shit. Like as if I’m a toy. I’m human too. But I just care too much. Say what ever you want to say about me cracking up. Make a joke out of it. Make it your humor. If it makes you feel better and it makes you think its not your fault. Fine. What ever you guys want to do. I’ve been listening and I’m always listening. I never reject a person in need. BUT ALL, EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU THINKS I’M UNBREAKABLE. I might be one of the most trusted person you will ever meet. And I could also be the most BOTHERED person. But when I have a bad day, and no one can tell. IT FUCKINGN SUCKS OK! Its your fault. Not mine. 17 years. All of your fucking secrets I keep. All the memories I can remember so vividly. I just wish I lose some of them. I hope one day I cant remember something. I’m tired of knowing too much because I’m so approachable. I’m tired of listening to you all crap about everything. I’m fucking fucking fucking tired. If you think I’m at fault. Go ahead. Its my blog. You actually have no right to enter my brains and be so fucking kpo about my life. YOU HAVE NO FUCKING RIGHT TO MAKE ME FEEL THIS WAY! Coz I treat everyone well. And the only reason why if I had treated you like shit is if you have hurt someone I love. I do not read people’s blog unless they ask me to. Unless I need to tag. And only if I have something nice to say. Stop saying that in the 2 weeks of my absence you suffered a lot. Stop making it seem as though I make a difference in your life. NONE OF YOU ARE WILLING TO LISTEN TO FARHANA CRACK. Coz apparently farhana do not crack what. 17 years everything I kept and remembered everything. And when I talk, people ask me to shut up. Ah, its ok lah. Just, THANK YOU AH. This is what I get for listening to all of you. For being there. This is what I get. There’s gotta be more to life. This cannot be my life. I really don’t deserve this. And if this is meant to be mine, I hate it. You guys are making me crazy. You think I can trust you? After all that I’ve been true. I only fully trust my mother. I know that the only person I knew who could put me first before her FAMILY was her. And I let her go coz some friends of my was JEALOUS? WOW! Why ah? Why? And you guys thought I hated her. HAH! Stupid idiots. I was acting all along. I’m a hypocrite. WHY? BECAUSE YOU GUYS WILL HURT IF YOU KNEW THE TRUTH!!! I know what I’m doing. I plan what I say. I plan my day before it starts. I plan. YOU GUYS JUST THINK I WILL BE THERE. 2 weeks. Hah. All of you are pathetic if my absence made your days is SR miserable. SR is fun. Coz I made full use of my time. And all you pathetic people do is complain. But I still fucking listening. Listen. Listen. Listen. Anything for my friends. Everything for my family. But no one can say that to me. No one can say, “Farhana, I will make you happy”. Because you all know you all cant do it. Try lah. Just try being me. Try carrying so much emotional burden. Most from the people you love. And when you’re down no one bothers. And if they do, they cant make u happy. How sucky does that feel. Going back home from school when I had one of the best days in school but no one here wants to listen. They wish you’d shut up. How does it feel when you would go from bedok to jurong for your boyfriend but when you’re 3 bus stops away he didn’t bother to meet. He said he got so much to do. Ah I know you guys are busy. Don’t forget, I’m busy too. I have A levels too. My grades aren’t good too. I don’t know nuts that’s going on. BUT why do I bother about all of you ah? WHY AH? FUCK LAH GIVE ME A REASON. I love tons of people. But funny how all the love I get from you guys can never add up to my love for ONE person. I’m on the losing end. But I don’t care. Anything for you guys. But none of you can say that to me. No one listens to me. But there was this guy in SR, he was the only one who said, “Eh tell me more. Your stories are interesting ah.” HE WANTED TO LISTEN TO ME. And that was the first time I talk to him. Only another particular person, a girl, would joke with me and allow me to talk. Coz she realizes its not always about her. Today I had the worst day of my life. I know my mom knows but she don’t want to know about it. My brother can tell I’m not in a good mood. BUT YOU IDIOTS CANNOT TELL. And if you do, you wouldn’t bother as much as if it were to be happening to you. I’m sorry if I hurt u guys. I told you. This is my blog. I have every right to say anything because you all had a choice to stop reading. Its sickening. I wish I don’t know a lot of people. I wish I was a loner. Maybe the geekiest person and den people would just not talk to me. Don’t give me pity. I really don’t need it. I don’t even need appreciation. But I’m just fucking sick and tired of being treated this way. I act a lot in front of a lot of people. Because its either you people are blind, stupid or oblivious. Maybe its all 3. You guys are my friends and you treat me like shit. Thank you. I had a fabulous time hurting so much. If I hadn’t been there for you, this is not for you. You don’t deserve this. But if I had been there for you at least once, I can swear this COULD be about you. All of you. Because you all hurt me so much and I just carried on, being there for you all.
Don’t speak, I know just what you’re saying. So please stop explaining. Don’t tell me coz it hurts.
I just need a friend but no one is there for me as much as I would be there for anyone.
8:41:00 pm
